Story 1.5… My last conversation with Chad…

As promised at the end of my last post, here is my last conversation with Chad. Now I know I went along with the conversation when I really shouldn’t of but he had so much control over me that any attention from him, I couldn’t resist. My boyfriend has read all this and isn’t angry with me in anyway, he understands the mind games that still affect me, he’s just annoyed I went along with it and hates how graphic it is in place. So here it all is, sorry it’s so long…

Story 1: Chad…

I didn’t really know where to start with all this, so I thought I would start with my worst ex and then work backwards from there. With occasional stories from more recent events because they are much more cheerful and will break up the chaos. I’ll be changing names of everyone involved as I really don’t need people in my real life learning all of this. So let’s call this ex… Chad… If you’re picturing some American jock, stop! He is tall, thin, quite pale, dark curly hair, beard, tattoos and probably the most important factor for this story, 12 years older than me.

So I met Chad at the start of November 2017 when I started a new job. I was engaged at the time, we were happy enough, and Chad had a girlfriend. We got on well, it was very above board, professional chat. Then two weeks into my job me and him were put on a project together, so it meant it was just us in an office working in very close proximity. We worked on this project for a few weeks and we grew very close but we were both with people so we behaved.

Our department in the office decided to have our Christmas party quite early as we were all travelling to see family closer to Christmas. As well as working at this office I was also doing my Masters so I had to do uni work before the party. So the rest of the department went for food and I met them for drinks afterwards. As soon as I arrived the energy felt different with him. Chad made sure I sat next to him and we chatted pretty much ignoring everyone else that was there. The bar we were at was very expensive so we all decided to go to a different bar. Once we got there, it was exactly the same, just me and him chatting and everyone else just sort of looking on, leaving us to it. Slowly people started to leave and it got down to me, Chad and our boss. Then our boss quickly disappeared into a taxi and Chad asked where we should go next. My Fiancé was away visiting family at the time so I stupidly invited him back to my flat. I poured drinks for us both and we sat on the sofa watching Netflix. His arm was round me and one thing led to another, we didn’t have sex that night but we did enough for the guilt to eat me alive.

I lived in the guilt and so I should, at no time do I want sympathy for cheating. In my world I was getting no attention at home and here was this older man thinking I was this sexy woman, I’d never really felt sexy before. And that’s how it all started. A couple of weeks later the guilt had eased and there we were again on my sofa. This time we did actually have sex, I had a panic attack as he was very against condoms and I didn’t want to get pregnant. He was very sympathetic and helped me through it, this was the last time he was nice to me when I was sad. So we started this terrible cycle, it would start with friendly chat, lead into flirting, we would sleep together, he would turn really nasty from the guilt, ignore me for a week or so, then the friendly chat started again. In the part of the cycle he was nasty he would pick all the insult he knew would hurt me the most. Bitch, Slut, all those types of insults really don’t hurt me. So he would call me pathetic, vain or ‘immensely fragile’ was his personal favourite. During this time I couldn’t eat from the stress, I lost so much weight my family was worried.

This cycle went on for 8 months and I was emotionally drained from the whole situation, this all added to the fact me and my Fiancé knew it was over but neither of us dared to actually end. We had just become roommates ambling through life, slowly making each other miserable. I had also fallen into bad habits, smoking, drinking (for the wrong reasons) and Chad. So I knew things had to change before even worse habits emerged. So I changed. I left my Fiancé and hopefully he sees how right I was. I moved into a little house and really started focusing on uni and work. Some of the bad habits are still around, I’m slowly giving up smoking now. I didn’t drink for 4 months and I finally decided I was done being hurt by Chad. Even though he was now single as well, so technically we could be together properly, I couldn’t cope with the emotional abuse that came from his shame of liking me. He was really hard to get over, not because I loved him, I had feelings yes, but nothing that deep. It was hard because we never officially ended (we were never officially together). I also had to get over him whilst still seeing him everyday and he would constantly be talking about girls he was dating and shagging. And no-one else knew the situation, we had been a secret thing so I was suffering in silence. But there was one last night…

On the surface the story of that night seems like something from a rom-com. He texts late one night when he’s finished his shift in the bar (not the place we worked together). He comes to mine, I open the door in very cute matching pjs (totally planned). It’s raining when I open the door, his curly hair is all sad looking. He comes in and tells me I look beautiful when I don’t wear makeup. We go to bed, have sex, and then cuddle all night. In the morning my alarm goes, he doesn’t wake up so I stroke his arm. He smiles when he sees it’s me and then he leaves, after kissing me at my front door and saying e’ll see me soon. See, lovely little story, but add on the layers of stress and abuse I had received from this man for the last 9 months and it’s a stupid girl letting a horrible man back into her life, home and body. He hadn’t been at work at all, he had been on a date and she didn’t put out, so he text me. He’s pretty drunk when he arrives. Refuses to wear a condom and finishes all over me, and not in a pre-decided, I’ve said it’s okay way. Out of the blue, horribly demeaning way as usual. And that was the last time we were together. Technically we saw each other one last time at a work event, but I went with my new boyfriend, who I would never hurt, I love him so much it’s embarrassing. Chad was his usual opinionated self and my new boyfriend couldn’t stand him. But he did know the story before meeting him as I have been 100% honest with him about my past, so he may be bias.

Chad did text me one last time when I had been with my boyfriend for 4 months but that can be another post with ALL the screenshots…

Feel free to give opinions and comments and until next time…

L x

The Beginning of this ‘Experiment’…

So I’m really not sure if this blog will be beneficial to myself or anyone else, but I think it’s worth a try. The plan is as and when I’m ready to share certain stories from my life I will come here, type it all out and send it out into the universe. My hope is it will help me organise and process certain things and then let go and move on. And I guess if I’m ever ready to be completely open with my friends and family I can just point them here and I don’t have to explain myself in person. Possibly a cowards way of dealing with things but fuck it, I’ve tried everything else.

So feel free to join this very weird ride that will be the blog. I promise it won’t all be doom and gloom either.

L x